Humour

Here are some examples of our Parish's humour - you can see what a fun-loving bunch we are! If you have anything to add to this page, please e-mail the webmaster.

"He Can't Really Sing, Can He?"
A remark made by a bemused parishioner.

Our Cantors have a reputation for not quite getting there when it comes to singing the psalm - particularly if there are high notes involved! One of the worst worst offenders is Peter "Des O'Connor" Eastwood, who week after week inflicts his falsetto warblings on the long-suffering congregation.
To hear Peter's most famous rendition, press the play button on the console.
When you've had enough, press stop.
As Peter so often says, he's got "all the notes, but not necessarily in the right order!"

More Bulletin Bloomers

• "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

• "Ushers will eat latecomers."

• "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

• "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

• "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

• "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

• "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."

• "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

• "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

• "A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

• "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

• "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

• "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

• "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

There's only one W.C........

A young newly married couple recently decided to buy a house in the country. They suddenly realised they hadn't seen a WC in the house so they wrote to the vicar asking him if he knew where the WC was (as he had been the one to show them around the house). The vicar, not knowing the term WC though they meant the Weslyn Chapel, and this is what he replied:

Dear Sir,

I regret the delay in answering your letter. The WC is 7 miles away from the house. This is unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly. However, you will be pleased to know that people take their lunch and make a day of it. By the way, it is made to seat 300 people and the Committee have decided to fit plush seats to ensure greater comfort. Those who can spare the time walk it and others go by train and get there just in time.
I myself never go there at all. My wife went there 10 years ago and had to stand all the time.
There are special facilities presided over by the minister, who gives all the assistance they require while the children sit down together and sing during the proceedings. I would advise you to go on Thursdays as there is and organ accompaniment.

Hope this information will assist you.

Yours etc etc,

P.S. Hymn sheets will be found hanging behind the door.

(From Failte Isteach, the Irish Group)

Bulletin Bloomers
(supplied by Barbara Cookson)

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

• Low Esteem Support Group will meet on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy".

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• The sixth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Thursday night Potluck Supper - prayer and medication to follow.

• The rosebud on the altar is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Adams.

• Tuesday at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social; all ladies giving milk will please come early.

• At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"; come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their fist child.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge - up yours".

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• Don't let worry kill you; let the church help.